Archive for the Funny Shit Category

Most Known Unknown

Posted in Dating Shit, Funny Shit, In My Mind, Personal Shit, Random Shit, Relationshit with tags , , , on February 15, 2012 by canitalkmyshit

The Things We Don’t Say!!!!!

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So with Valentine’s Day 2012 wrapped up, noticed there are a lot of unhappy women that tend to say fuck Valentine’s Day. It really should be more like ,”Fuck every relationship decision you have made until now. Most will say they do not hate it, just what it represents as an excuse*(Stop me if you have never heard that before)*. Since I’m such a helpful guy, let me put you lonely females on to some game so that next year you will not repeat the same mistakes that lead you to hate February 14th.

    Learn How To Cook:

If you do not have this issue, please disregard. If you have not acquired domestic skills, such as cooking you will never keep a man. I’m not saying take it back to the 50’s, for women to stay home, but nobody wants to eat out all the time. Also, have you never heard the saying ,” The key to a man’s heart is through his stomach?”. This has not changed. Knowing how to take care of a home does not inhibit your independence.

    No Party Rocking:


Remember that Eddie Murphy song “Party All The Time?” Ladies no man wants to date a woman who is always in the club. Occasionally is cool, but if your purpose in life is knowing what spot is jumping, especially after a certain age, the sweetie your lost. Relationships take time to develop, clubbing takes time away from that. Once again, there is nothing wrong with partying and having a good time. There is something wrong with excessive partying. If you have a young child/children, shouldn’t your ass be home? No decent man is going to respect you sacrificing being there with your children at night to go shake your ass.

    Dress for Success:


Think about getting a man like a job interview. If you don’t dress the part how can u get the job u want. They say do not judge a book by its cover, but ladies if your book has on some skimpy shit we aren’t trying to read past fucking. Also, if your on a social website and all the pictures are of you half dressed , poking your ass out, don’t be offended when the message your receive on a daily basis is, “So when we fucking?” Present yourself classier and you’ll be respected with class.

    Power of Pussy:


Value your own Vag. That’s not saying you can’t give it up, everything has a time and place. Pick the right time. Every dude you meet is not going to put worth in your Vag, especially of you do not yourself. Of course no one want to wait forever for sex, but to take that consideration for yourself, we men remember that kind of thing.

    Remember The Time:


Ladies, don’t place importance on nonsense like remember certain dates. A man is not gonna remember when you first blinked your eye at him. At the end of the day non of that stuff matters. It sweets if he or you does remember, but it is not be all and end of all of things.

    Get Past The Past:


Ladies, if you are carrying the scars of a previous relationship into a new one then your doomed to fail. Unfortunately, when you put yourself out there is a chance you can get hurt. Now, if the person you are with isn’t the one that hurt you. Why should he pay for his predecessor’s mistake? Fix yourself then get with somebody.

    Battle Worth Fighting:


Ladies, fighting is cool but pick and choose your battles. Everything isn’t worth a fight. Your job is to be his companion. Not his mother. Nobody wants to be nagged. Don’t feel a certain way and not say it. Men can’t read minds. Contrary to what you may believe.

    Act Like A Lady:


A man doesn’t want a woman that speaks worse than he does.,”Yo my nigga what’s good” Who’s going to take that kind of speech seriously? If you hold yourself to a certain standard then he will respect that, but that don’t mean you gotta be stuck up with your shit. We want someone we can take in public, that has some damn etiquette.

    Behind Closed Doors:


Never ever let anyone into your business. your relationship is your relationship. An outside entity can destroy your relationship faster than the ones in the relationship. Don’t let people in your business good or bad. Keep your shit in house.

    It Nigga Syndrome Revisted


Ladies, how do expect to have a relationship with somebody that ain’t shit morally. They seem to have it together financially, can get you into V.I.P. in the club, but treats you like shit. Start looking for a better quality of man. By better quality I’m not talking about a nigga that is just gonna trick on you. I’m talking about quality of character. Also, stop choosing dudes that only want you to come to see once the sun goes down. If he has 12 kids and don’t take care of em.. 1) why would u want a nigga like that 2) don’t get knocked up… You are not that special. Think higher of yourself. Find someone that could best for you.

Good pussy alone will never keep a man. What else of substance can you bring to the table?Ladies, finally don’t be saying you don’t care about Valentine’s day, because your a fucking liar. If you had somebody worth it to your ass would care. Follow my lead and you’ll never be lonely again ladies.

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Living in Capitalist Society

Posted in Funny Shit, Random Shit, Socially Conscience Shit with tags , , , , , on November 12, 2011 by canitalkmyshit

What’s Fair?

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So I buy decide to buy the latest edition of the famed NBA 2K series(NBA 2K12), less than a week ago. I was not really feeling the changes in the game, so I decide to take it back to GameStop for store credit. I get to the register, the clerk offers me $25.00 for a game that I purchased a week ago, that’s technically about a month old.

Here is where it gets interesting. I pay $60.00 for a game. I then go on to play it, decide I don’t like it, take it back and get credit for it. GameStop, who is the merchant I patronize then offers me $25.00 for the game. They will take that same game the gave me $25.00 for, turn around and sell the “Used Copy” for around $50.00 to the next unsuspecting sucker. Only for the cycle to run its course again.

“Power To The Gamers”

That “Power” that they lead us to believe we have when shopping there is an illusion. The “Power” really is in the hand of the industry. Imagine if a store actually credited you fairly, for a game that’s practically brand new. That would not happen, because the profit marine could not be maximized if say someone trades in a game that came out last week, they return get say $45-50 back and gets sold back for $50-55. The company turns a slight profit on the game, but that’s not beneficial to keep the cogs in the machine moving.

A main reason they offer such littler store credit even for discourage mass returns. Everyone would play a game for a few days and bring them back for almost all their money back. There really is not balance that can be struck with this. Game stop will continue to offer low return credits, unless it benefits them to raise it during say a popular release. We will continue use them to support our gaming addiction. Real power lies with whomever has the coin to make the rules. Fair? Maybe not, but then again maybe it is.

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Phil’s Series of Unfortunate Events: Stop, Drop n Roll!!!!

Posted in Funny Shit, Personal Shit, Random Shit with tags , , , , , , on December 9, 2010 by canitalkmyshit

I Keep On Falling


My phone rings off the hook, I rush to answer it.  “You order Chinese Food?,” said the urgent voice on the other end.  “I’m coming right down,” I replied.  So hungry I could not think straight.  The only thing I could imagine is the savory prize on the other side of the door. ” Once, I get down to the door it is going to be on,” I thought.

In my haste I decide to leave my shoes in my apartment thinking my socks would be enough to keep me warm.  Besides I was not going to be outside of the door anyways.  So decision made to go downstairs in my socks.  Hunger can make a man do stupid things.

I rush to my apartment door to run downstairs to go get my food.  Unbeknownst to me, my foot never touched the first step.  Before my first foot landed, I tried to take a second step not realizing I never placed one foot down.  Honestly, all I could think about is the food.  This lead me to fly straight in the air.  I could only see the glare of the light on the ceiling as I looked up.

The trip in the air felt like an eternity.  Almost like a caged bird set free, spreading its wings for the first time.  I soared beyond all heights.  Like Icarus flying up towards the sun, only to have the clay binding his wings melt.  Sending him crashing down to earth.  The landing on my side was comparable to that.  To make matters worse, once my limp slides down the step not to mention my phone flew flying to the bottom of the staircase.

My new downstairs neighbor hears the commotion of me flying down the stairs and quickly rushes out of her apartment to see what happened.  As I hear the door start to open, I quickly jump to my feet.  Already embarrassed, I did not want to be seen in a vegetated state.  “Are you alright, because I heard someone fall,” she said.  I quickly responded,  ” I”m alright I just dropped something on my steps. Clumsy me.”  So looking around she surveys the scene but had no proof of a fall she looks on the ground and sees my Blackberry on the floor and goes ,” Is that your phone on the ground?”  “Yeah, that’s part of what I dropped,” I responded even faster.  Satisfied with my answers she decides to reenter her apartment.

With the little strength I had left, I pay for my Chinese food ran back upstairs to make sure I did not break a bone.  I fall out on the couch in pain.  “Fuck that, I put my body on the line for this food. I’m going to enjoy this,” I thought.  You know what? It was worth every bit of agony I had put myself through.  Fuck a moral to the story!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil’s Series of Unfortunate Events 2: Following The Yellow Brick Road

Posted in Funny Shit, Life Shit, Personal Shit with tags , , , , , , on August 14, 2010 by canitalkmyshit

A Day That Keeps On Giving!!!!

I have had some bad days, but this one goes on my Top 10 list easily. The whole time I think, “Staying home would have been safer.”. My day started to improve as the work day finished. I feel a calm come over me at the thought of going home. There truly is no place like home. “The Day” just could not leave me alone.

My journey home started like any other trip home. The normal Airtrain to Howard Beach, then the A train. I get to Howard Beach right as The A train comes. This is great because it is about a 10 minute trip. “I’ll be home in no time,” I thought as I boarded. I sit back waiting the train to push off, but it is not moving.

“We are delayed, because the Broad Channel Bridge is open. We will be moving shortly,” the conductor announces over the P.A. system. Now, it is going to take a little longer then expected, but still I’m fine with that. I start playing with my phone as I wait. I decide I’ll start a new blog entry about my day. I do not get to it right , because I had some other rough drafts to go through. As I do this I’m unaware of how much time has gone by.

I stop what I’m doing to call my wife to see what she’s up to. As we are talking I say,” I’m at Howard Beach, the bridge is open so the train is still sitting here. As a matter of fact that was 45 minutes ago.”. I kind of shocked myself at the amount of time waiting at the station. We hang up, I wait another 30 minutes for the train to push off.

I get to the next station Broad Channel an announcement comes on, “Due to problem closing the bridge, Broad Channel will be the last stop. For passengers continuing to Far Rockaway, there is shuttle bus service outside the station.”. Everyone on the train get the same dejected look on their face that I have. I rush outside the train station knowing that a crowd would be forming for the shuttle. Funny thing happens, there is no shuttle bus. Now, you have hundreds of stranded, angry commuters with no way to get home.

The Broad Channel station is not too far from Cross Bay Blvd, there we could catch the bus. On Cross Bay there are two options to take. The Q53(Limited Stops) and the Q21(Local Stops) to reach Far Rockaway. The closest stop to the train station actually has both buses listed. Now my only problem is there is a mob of people all waiting for the same two buses. Bus after Bus pass the crowd, not wanting to stop. The size keeps increasing due to train after train becoming out of service. I get a bright idea.

“I should walk to the next bus stop before this one, instead of waiting with this crowd. I’ll have a better chance at getting a bus to stop,” I thought. A few other people had the same idea, but not as many as the group that was at the bus stop. So I proceed to the next bus stop which happens to be a Q21 stop. About 30 minutes later, two Q21’s bypass this stop that I’m at. Frustration starts to take over. “Fuck this I’ll just walk to another stop,” thinking now besieged with anger.

I start to walk, but there is no bus stop in sight. Did I fail to mention it started raining by this time, walking with suede loafers, and no umbrella. This walk took forever. Literally, I was walking for about 30 mins. The only good thing was no bus had passed during thins time. I finally complete my journey. I finally catch a Q53. I take it to the Q22 stop so I can finally get home.

I get to this next bust stop, only to see another crowd. A Q22 comes right away, but due to the size of the crowd everyone could not get on. I have to wait for the next one. I catch this one. I get home in about 5 mins. As I walk down the block all I can think is,” My Chinese food from last night better be I’m the refrigerator”

As, I approach the fridge an erie feeling overtakes me. “I know it’s not in there. This will top everything off. Greedy asses!!!!”. I grab the door handle and pull the door slowly. I close my eyes in order to brace myself for unwanted results. It’s open now and so are my eyes, my food is there. My glorious food is where I left it. The smallest things can mean so much.

As I eat my food, I sit back and reflect on the perils of my day. The Day won, but I got my food. That is all that mattered in the end. I thought it would be a good time to update my blog. Share with the world what happened to me. I begin to type.

There are somedays where nothing seems to have the desired result……….

Phil’s Series of Unfortunate Events

Posted in Funny Shit, Life Shit, Personal Shit with tags , , , , , , on August 14, 2010 by canitalkmyshit

Oh What A Day!!!!

August 12,2010

There are somedays where nothing seems to have the desired result. Any and every that could possibly go wrong does. “Somebody in the cosmos has it out for me,” you think to yourself. Well, today was such a day for me. I do not believe in any form of luck, good or bad, but I could have used some good luck.

The day started out with me over sleeping my alarm. The ringing went off, while I continued to roll over. I finally get up and realize that I may be late, so I hop straight in the shower. I finally make my way to work. The train came as soon as I got to the station, helping me make it to work early for once.

I slide my hand in my bag to retrieve my I.D. only to come up empty. I proceed to check all of the pockets to the same results. Well if I didn’t work at the airport(JFK) then this would not be an issue. I work after security in what is called a secured area, meaning without an Port Authority I.D. or boarding pass getting in is not an option. I end up having to turn around, go all the way home, and come back to work.

After the I.D fiasco, my day starts to flow ok. The early part starts to come together as I work my way into a groove. Things start to look up. I decide to go to Mc. Donald’s to get my breakfast. I order a Sausage, Egg & Cheese Mc Griddle with a coffee. I go find my seat so I can eat, open my bag to find that I only got two sugars for my coffee. I’m thinking ,”What the fuck am I going to do with two sugars!!!!!”. I decide to leave that issue for last, because that Mc Griddle was calling my name. I bite into my sandwich savoring that first taste. I take a second only to taste the bottom piece of the Mc Griddle cold and hard. I’m thinking, “How the fuck do you only heat up half a sandwich?”. Instead of taking it back, I gut the sandwich to eat the insides. Now, I have to walk to Starbucks to get sugar for my coffee. So much for breakfast!!!!!!!!

Breakfast was a disaster, making question the decision to leave the house. I decide to make the best of the remainder of my work day. Work finishes rather quickly, leaving me with an optimistic feeling regarding the remainder of my day. Little did I know the joke was on me. The day had other plans for me………..

I Still Got A Story To Tell

Posted in Funny Shit, ON BLAST!!!!!, Personal Shit, Random Shit, Socially Conscience Shit with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2010 by canitalkmyshit

The Saga Continues!!!!

Now, we all know about the whole “Jamaal brings home condom” story. Honestly, I have found the whole situation funny. This whole thing is something like a “Cosby Show” episode. Imagine Cliff Huxtable searching for something in Theo’s room, only to find questionable results. In that era it probably would have been drugs or alcohol. Regardless of the findings, Cliff Huxtable always found a way to make light of the situation, while informing you that it was wrong.

When I write these blogs, I(as with a good number of bloggers) draw inspiration from my life. Let’s be clear, I AM NO CLIFF HUXTABLE!!!!! People fail to realize that it is a scripted show. If a story doesn’t work, you can scrap it and create another storyline. In real life there is no luxury of re-scripting the story.

The problem with telling a story second hand is that it may or may not be the truth. There is no way to tell what happen when your not the one experiencing the situation. I have heard from a reliable source that the condoms have been brought, distributed, and used as balloons by the children at the school Jamaal attends. Honestly, there is no way to shield your child from the influence of their peers when they are not in your presence. The only thing a parent can do is teach them about the world, right, wrong, hope they take and utilize the teachings with them.

Now, a humorous story becomes serious. There are so many questions to ask school officials with no answers. How does a bunch of seven year old kids get access to condoms? Let alone, bring them to school to give out? Why does only a handful of teachers know about this? Are they trying to stop it and how? The only saving grace is that they believe the condoms to be balloons.

This story too is second hand information. This may or may not be true. I do not know which story is true, because I was not there. Jamaal could have possibly fabricated the original story, but then he might not have. Only Jamaal knows the truth about how he got the condoms. He’ll come clean, because at the end of the day he’s a good kid. What would Cliff Huxtable do in this situtation? Well, Theo always did the right thing by the end of the episode.

Got A Story To Tell

Posted in Funny Shit, ON BLAST!!!!!, Personal Shit, Random Shit with tags , , , on May 18, 2010 by canitalkmyshit

What In The World??

So, I’m looking for my NBA 2K10 Playstation 3 disk that my daughter lost Sunday night. My search takes me into my Step-Son Jamaal’s room. His room is always a mess, so it is not exactly easy to find anything in there. While looking under his dresser I see a little black box. I continue looking for my game not really paying any mind to the box. I then start pulling out the junk under the dresser, glance over, only to see a box of Magnums on the floor.

My intial thought is,” Let me find out only is Jamaal beating on something, he’s holding!!!” Well that can not be the case, because he’s seven years old. A normal person probably would have blown a gasket, especially since I worked at night the previous day. The mind can start racing to many conclusions.

So, the first thing I do is I.M. my Cousin-In-Law Keith on AIM, because he watched Jordyn the day before. The Conversation went as follows:
*Prolific0n3 is my screen name*

So then I decide to call my wife to ask her about the mysterious box of Magnums. “Did you know there was a box of Magnums on Jamaal’s floor?”, I asked. “Yeah, I was wondering where those came from”, she responded. “I just thought that was from the batch we had used right after Cookie was born.” I interjected,”Tasha, that was almost four years ago.” “Just ask Jamaal, maybe he took them from his father’s house” , she says. We both agree and hang up.

Keith drops Jamaal off. He steps in laughing at the situation. Jamaal walks in the door as he always does. I then ask him while pointing to the box,”Jamaal did you bring condoms home?” He quickly responded with a nod. I then asked,”Where did you get them from?” “I got them from Pa Pa. He forgot he put them in my pocket. He bought them in the store then took some out and put the box in my pocket. He said they were for kissing girls”, he responded.

For those that do not know, “Pa Pa” is what Jamaal & Jordyn affectionately call Tasha’s father. My Father-In-Law is a decent guy, so I do not think he meant anything by leaving the condoms in Jamaal’s jacket. Why in the hell would you have condoms around a seven year old? Then again, he is known for doing funny things like this. We just kind of left it at that . I guess the situtation will come up again if Jamaal has questions.

How would you have handled it ??